her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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