I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
