the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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