Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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