apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
