I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
