When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
