Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
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