i will never coherently bang her
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
