I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
