I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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