just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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