i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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