No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
