I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
