ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
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