so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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