This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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