Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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