I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
