OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
