Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
