i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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