Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
