I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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