i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
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