i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
