i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
