I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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