you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
