i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
