my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
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