life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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