you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
