I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize