you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
