I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
