You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
