Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
