I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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