I can't watch pbs sober anymore
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
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