Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
