someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
