That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
