i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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