I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
