You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
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