I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
