I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
