We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
