I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
