My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
