i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
