I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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