I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
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