I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
