You're my little dorito
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
