I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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