I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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