that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
