Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
