dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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