I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
