Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
