I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
