My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
