i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
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